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Nathaniel Hackett, for pity’s sake, let your people go. As in, go home.
Let ‘em see their kids. Hug their wives. Eat a home-cooked meal.
After all that Broncos game tape, let ‘em watch something on TV that’ll lighten the mood, like an episode of “Squid Game.”
“I don’t see my family. Or hear from them,” Broncos offensive coordinator Justin Outten told me Thursday with a straight face outside UCHealth Training Center when I asked how a three-game Denver losing streak and all that national shaming might’ve affected loved ones.
“I don’t see them. My car hasn’t started in a week.
“You kind of tune (outside noise) out, because … you just put your nose down. And you can’t look outside because that’s not going to help anything. It’s about what can we do better in this building to perform on Sunday.
“And it’s a family in there. You’ve got to stay together, you’ve got to stay the course and trust each other. And that’s just something that’s consistently building each and every week … yeah, you’ve just got to stay the course. And you’ve just got to keep your nose down.”
Hang on, hang on.
Your car won’t start?
“Well, it hasn’t started since last Friday,” Outten replied, “when we left for that (Chargers) game.”
So did you leave a light on, or …
“No, no. I’ve been sleeping (at UCHealth Training Center),” the Broncos assistant continued, nodding to the building behind him.
“We’ve been having snuggle parties up top there.”
Last year, Pat Shurmur’s pencil.
This year, snuggle parties.
You’re 0-3 this month, Nate Lasso. You’re averaging 14.8 points per game since Sept. 21.
Grindy is the default, noble look in this league. Grindy and allergic to the end zone is just sad.
Find your guys some Ubers, coach. Send ‘em home. Let ‘em recharge.
And while they’re gone, bring in some fresh, veteran eyes to come over to Dove Valley and take a long, hard, honest look at this mess.
Somebody like, say, Mike Shanahan or Gary Kubiak. Get some more notes on this script before a 2-4 season — with the swaggy J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS (4-2, 3-0 on the road) in town Sunday — goes even further off the rails.
“We’re always evaluating everything,” Hackett said Thursday before Outten dropped our jaws. “We want to get better as coaches, we want to get better as a team.
“It starts with me always trying to improve. I think that’s just kind of the overall philosophy for most coaches. So I’m always going to look at everything. We want to win, we want to put our team in the best position possible. And so we’ll continue to do that.”
Work smarter. Not harder.
As mental as these first six weeks have been, if you’re riding a five-game losing skid into that Week 9 bye, the mood’s going to shift from darkly comic to full-on ugly.
NFL Network analyst Michael Robinson, a former Seahawks fullback who used to protect Russell Wilson in the pocket, said on-air earlier this week that if things don’t turn around one way or another, the anti-Russ buzz — or whatever Jerry Jeudy was complaining about to Melvin Gordon on Monday Night Football — is only going to get louder.
“I think this is on the horizon for this team — I hope it’s not, but I think it’s on the horizon: Mutiny is afoot,” Robinson opined.
“The guys in that locker room are going to start to turn around and say, ‘Wow, OK, Russell got paid. He got his money. (Hackett), he’s all happy, he got his money, he’s all good. But what about us? What about the guys in the locker room?’”
When they’re using words from pirate movies that aren’t “plunder” or “treasure” to describe your ship, it’s sinking.
Once you’ve listened to a Shananan or Kubiak, find some quality time with Russ. Call his handlers to schedule an appointment. Leave a note under Wilson’s office door. Whatever it takes.
Sit Russ down and ask him for the 20 plays he most loves to run. Or 30. Make that the framework for your game plan and go from there.
“I think (with) everything — you have to look inside,” Outten said. “You have to leave your ego at the door in everything that we do.”
You have to leave the building sometimes, too. Hey, losing is nobody’s idea of a snuggle party. But on behalf on Broncos Country, go home, man.
Because like a wise safety said the other night, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result isn’t just the definition of insanity. It’s become a running gag on the NFL’s newest hit sitcom, and the studio audience is teetering on open revolt.
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